Day 269 - Thursday 8th June

A devastating day for me today; in fact the devastation started last night.

Fiona and Bob came over to my house last night; the intention as far as I was concerned was to talk about the crew and what we need to have prepared for the swim in 4 weeks time. The conversation, however, did not go that way; in my heart of hearts I knew it wouldn’t even before they turned up. In essence Fiona said that she would not personally sign me off for the swim as I have not put on the weight I need to put on and subsequently it has meant I have been unable to do more than 3 hours in the sea without feeling the effects of the cold. At this point, just 4 weeks away, I should be doing 6-8 hour swims in the sea at least once if not twice a week; they are doing that in Dover already. In truth, she is correct, I have not done that in the sea this year, but it is because after 3 hours the cold has really got to me and I have felt so hypothermic that at the 3 hour point I have lost my mental ability to direct myself. If the sea was the same temperature as the outside pool (22 degrees) then I could keep going for hours (I notched up a few 6 hrs swims and a 7 hour swim a couple of months back), but in truth it is not going to ever reach more than maybe 14-15 degrees in the channel; impossible with my frame.

The problem I have is that no matter what I do physically or mentally I just can’t put on the weight they need me to put on. In the last 4 weeks I have eaten probably twice my normal intake and yet I have LOST another 3 pounds from last week and am exactly 2 pounds less than I was a month ago! It seems that the more I eat on top of my usual intake then my crones gets worst and I end up in rather a lot of pain and my body simply removes everything I’ve put in (sorry about the description). When I am swimming my crones pain stop almost instantly, but when I am pushing myself to eat then the pain starts and nothing is absorbed. The problem is that if I don’t put on 2 stone then I won’t be fat enough to take a 15-20 hour swim in the cold waters, as I will lose about 2 stone during the swim and will end up at about 8 stone; which is not only ridiculous to think about, but it is physically dangerous. Both Fiona and my GP, as well as Sharon of course, worry that even at that weight in that temperature I will refuse to come out and ultimately I could suffer a cardiac arrest and die; apparently a couple of years ago a 25 year old did just that and died during the swim; he is one of over 30 people who have died in recent years in the channel from their body not coping.

I know I am physically strong now and my mind is up for the challenge, but my body is letting me down to the extent that the powers that be simply won’t let me go. I am sitting here agreeing with them and understanding that this is not my choice on the one hand yet feeling I am letting myself and everyone down on the other hand! My mind is saying that I can not control the crones to the extent that I can put on the weight but then it is telling me I am a quitter; which is something I have never been in all my life. Total devastation is a slight understatement.

However, all may not be lost. Either way, whatever happens, I will complete a channel swim! If it is possible to change my solo swim into a relay then that would solve the problem as I would be swimming as a team and I can easily knock out 2-3 hour swims at this weight. If that is not possible then I will have to swim the length over a few days, maybe everyday for a week or something, here on the coast. Either way I will not let my crones stop me, not now - not ever. We have already raised nearly £50,000 for our 21 charities and we need to raise another £50,000 to complete the fundraising; I need to do whatever I can do to keep this going; it is not an option not too.

My mind however still is calling me a quitter, despite my strong words! How does one stop that!